Gravity

I hate to say something that might lead to some difficult discussions, but if this blog is going to mostly be about me then this really needs mentioning.

After a month of summer traveling I seem to have recognized that everytime I go to a big American city I want to get a normal job and move to a similar place. I have been to Grand Rapids, Washington DC, and Sacramento in the last 5 weeks. The desire to do missions work in another country fades away when I am there. This is extremely frustrating and concerns me greatly. No one I meet seems as concerned about fulfilling the Great Commission as I do, and it makes me wonder if I should do what I "want" sometimes and live the seemingly easier average, American Christian life. I already have some moderate health concerns and the near promise of being able to fund a 401K each year and have good healthcare seems really good compared to possibly not being able to fund a retirement plan during the lean times as a missionary and having to fly to another country to see a competent doctor. I feel called to help bring the Kingdom of God to this world, to spiritually lead people, I know changes need to be made to this world, but I don't feel like I should make a vow of poverty. Perhaps because none of my closest friends have either? Perhaps because I live in the second or third poorest region of the whole United States and I just have issues because I have met a few missionaries in my life that have a higher standard of living overseas than I do in south central Ohio.

There's also the issue that there is little time for my Savior when I take these 4 day weekends and try to catch up on old friendships. I get dry and it takes time to recover from that. Yet, I was reading E. Stanley Jones recently and he talked about Christians who have given up the world, but have not given up themselves. Sometimes that seems like me. I also know that praying on my knees does wonders for me, but that I haven't done that much since June. And heck, I am just plain exhausted right now.

I meet with OMS in October. A lot can happen by then, one thing that seems to be likely to happen is that the agency I am an AmeriCorps VISTA for may hire me fulltime. That would be nice, but the position is based on a grant, and it may not last that long. It will last long enough for me to know whether or not I like it. In the mean time, I need to nap and pray.

(Edit) I want to be clear that I know this problem is caused by me. My friends do nothing wrong that I know of, they just act differently than I expect them to act. I need to figure out why I am so influenced by them, and why I can't be content being my own man. (end Edit)

Just keep me where the light is...